In the United States, 80% of suicides are committed by men, making suicide the second most common cause of death for American men under 45. Worldwide, a man kills himself every 60 seconds. Men are less than half as likely as women to seek mental health support, be told they are loved or feel satisfied with their friendships. These statistics from the Centers for Disease Control paint a clear message: men around the world are experiencing a mental health crisis. Despite this, discussion around masculinity and men’s mental health continues to be stigmatized, even at Urban. 

Urban’s Young Men’s Group (YMG) was formed in 2010 to provide a safe space for men to be vulnerable through a mix of structured discussion and free-form shares.

 “[We] break down those barriers that people put up for themselves when it comes to masculinity,” said Max Truong ‘24, co-leader of YMG. “My dad comes from Vietnam, he escaped war. So growing up … I was taught to kind of just suck it up. YMG has been that outlet where I can kind of go against [that].”

In many ways, YMG is representative of the stigmas surrounding men’s mental health and masculinity at Urban. As an Urban student, it is hard to ignore the number of people who mention YMG with a judgmental tone or make assumptions about the group without having ever attended a meeting. 

“I’ve heard people say, ‘Oh, don’t you guys just talk about sports and stuff?’” said Frankie Reichman ‘24, co-leader of YMG.

“It’s sad to me that an outlet for young men is just laughed at … There’s never really a break from [judgment],” said Jonah Hur ‘24, co-leader of YMG. “It’s obviously not viewed even by [some of the] faculty in a very high regard.”

“The stigma around it is either too much testosterone or we’re being too weak,” said Reichman. “I feel like [few recognize] the in-between of … [how] we’re just talking about how we’re doing in a safe space.”

According to Richard Reeves, author of “Of Boys and Men,” the lack of meaningful and structured conversations surrounding men’s mental health and identity has led to a world full of negative assumptions. 

“[Many people] quickly label male problems as symptoms of ‘toxic masculinity,’” wrote Reeves. “[The term toxic masculinity] focuses attention on the character flaws of individual men, rather than structural problems [that men face].”

“Sometimes it’s hard to convince people that the gender roles reinforced in our society have negative effects for men too,” said Zach Gordon ‘24.

Even at Urban, a community that prides itself on emotional introspection, understanding masculinity is often pushed to the side. While discussion of toxic masculinity is present throughout Urban’s social scene and curriculum, discussions about positive examples of masculinity are rare.

“As a community, [Urban] often just views any expression of masculinity as toxic masculinity,” said Reichman. “I would say we’ve been told to embrace our masculine side [less]. It’s hard to speak out at this school about it and there’s a lot of pushback from it.”

Avoiding discussion of masculinity makes it more difficult for young men to be vulnerable and think about their impact on those around them. “We must help men adapt to the dramatic changes of recent decades without asking them to stop being men,” wrote Reeves. 

It is important for young men to connect to their masculinity. Masculinity is an important part of who many male-identifying students are and it is an invaluable part of our society as a whole. The suppression of such an important part of men’s identities has led to a negative culture that is quick to point out examples of toxic, negative masculinity but is reluctant to show positive examples of masculinity.

According to Ben Slater, English teacher and YMG faculty leader, modern culture has many negative models of men but few positive role models. “There’s a stated goal of getting men to be not toxic,” said Slater. “There is this old, toxic idea of a man who’s not in touch with his feelings and is kind of aggressive. We struggle to articulate … a positive idea of how we want guys to be.”

The demonization of masculinity only adds to the lack of societal awareness around men’s mental health. According to feminist author Caitlin Moran, the historical privilege of men has led society to categorize their struggles as unimportant. “White, straight men … [are considered the] default,” wrote Moran. “It’s as if the actual details of their lives become see-through.”

The lack of understanding within our society surrounding masculinity has also created a difficult environment for young men to discover who they are. 

“The groups have become very split for categories of men … There are the people who go to the gym and the people who are actors and the people who are artists,” said Reichman. “We all have masculine and feminine sides and I think that it’s difficult for men to embrace that more feminine side.”

“If we keep putting things in these binaries of ‘masculine, not masculine’, then we don’t leave any room for the gray area,” said Jason Ernest Feldman, dean of equity & inclusion.

Confusion about one’s masculinity can be extremely harmful to young men and even to those around them. “[Men] want to feel some sense of power to overcome their insecurity,” said Max Lalezari ‘24. “So they start overcompensating with ideologies that they see [as] masculine.”

According to Hur, the lack of discussion around masculinity has led Urban’s student body to hyperfocus on, and sometimes judge, the traditionally masculine sides of male-identifying students. “There can be more to us than just wanting to [engage in] sports … or gym culture,” said Hur.

“[When I’m] trying to express my masculinity … [by] talking about the gym, I get weird looks and I hear negative comments,” said Reichman.

The problems caused by avoiding discussion of masculinity are only made worse by the longstanding pressures men face surrounding vulnerability. According to the CDC, men are 38% less likely to share their personal problems with friends than women.

“Men have been afraid to let people know that they are hurting because vulnerability is [seen as] a sign of weakness,” said Lalezari.

“[There’s a] whole idea that men are supposed to be strong, not vulnerable [and that] it’s not okay to cry,” said Charlotte Worsley, assistant head for student life.

In a survey of 66 random students conducted by The Urban Legend, over 90% of Urban students agreed that there is a general stigma surrounding men’s mental health. On a scale of 1-5, male-identifying students rated their awareness of mental health as being 25% lower than female and nonbinary/gender-fluid students did. 

“I think I’m not the most comfortable in vulnerability,” said Theo Nielsen ‘24. “I’m vulnerable in different ways, but I don’t like to cry in front of people.”

“When little kids are upset, girls are told they’re sad and boys are told they’re angry,” said Slater. “What [is] unique to boys is the challenge of admitting that they need help to others and even to themselves. There are certain emotions, like sadness, which I think boys often have a harder time recognizing in themselves.”

The existence of pressures on men surrounding vulnerability has led to stigmas surrounding men going to therapy. According to a survey conducted by The Urban Legend, 80% of female and gender-fluid/nonbinary students had been to therapy, compared to only 55% of male students. On a national scale, this disparity persists. According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, only 13.2% of young men experiencing a mental health problem will seek therapy or other mental health support. 

These stigmas are widespread and can cause self-consciousness surrounding mental health help. “I did a survey online,” said Hur. “[It asked] me if I’d gone to therapy and I remember that question vividly and me checking the previous page to see that it was anonymous. The stigma is still definitely present.”

Talk therapy is also a system that lacks male representation. “One thing I’ve noticed within my social circles is that my female-identifying peers generally have greater satisfaction with the treatment they’re receiving, which I suspect has to do with the dominance of women therapists in the field,” said Stella Reynaga ‘24. “Under 25% of therapists in the United States are male-identifying [according to BridgeCare therapy] and many of my male-identifying friends who have spoken with therapists, many of whom were women, were very quick to say that it was a waste of time.”

Because of this, many men choose to seek other ways to explore vulnerability. “There’s so many ways to access strong mental health [care] and it’s not always therapy,” said Worsley.

Another serious issue for young men is loneliness. Having strong relationships with others is one of the most important parts of feeling secure at Urban and in the world. 

“Talking to people … that you can trust candidly about things large and small [is crucial],” said Nielsen. “Even eating dinner with my family and talking about how my day is going … it’s more helpful than I think.”

However, not all men have access to healthy and open relationships. According to the CDC, less than half of American men feel satisfied with their friendships and they’re less than half as likely as women to be told by a friend that they’re loved.

“There’s this kind of death spiral that can happen to young men, where they feel lonely in school and then after they graduate, they [become part of] the incel community,” said Gordon. “It’s a group of just sad men.”

“It’s very easy as a male to feel super alone,” said Reichman, “whether it’s because we think our problems aren’t shared by others or it’s just difficult to find a connection with other people.”

“It can feel so hopeless when you start feeling a certain way,” said Harry Setrakian ‘24. “It can feel like there’s no way to get out.”

Advocating for men’s mental health issues does not mean minimizing the struggles of women in modern society. “We can hold two thoughts in our head at once,” wrote Reeves. “We can be passionate about women’s rights and compassionate toward vulnerable boys and men.” 

Yet, especially on social media, the lack of productive discussion around men’s mental health has led to a harmful dialogue where men and women are portrayed as enemies. 

“The lack of open dialogue about [men’s mental health] has created a void filled by voices espousing thinly veiled misogyny, demonization of vulnerable groups and a vision for masculinity that wants to take non-whites and women back to the fifties and Old Spain,” said Scott Galloway, professor of marketing at New York University on his podcast “Pivot.”

According to Nielsen, the deterioration of discussion around men’s mental health into a gender war even creates damaging misconceptions surrounding feminism. “There’s all these people confused about what feminism is, and they’re like ‘well what about men,’ when feminism is breaking down the systems of patriarchy that negatively impact both men and women,” said Nielsen.

Change is already happening at Urban. The leaders of YMG are working to generate more understanding about what they stand for and more support for their cause.

Recently, YMG had its first collaboration with Students for Women’s Equality and Rights (SWEAR), Urban’s affinity space for female-identifying students, to openly discuss feminism and help the school better understand the purpose of YMG. “Especially with our collaborations with other groups … we were able to show a side of YMG that hasn’t been seen at Urban before,” said Truong.

According to Worsley, Urban’s faculty is open for all students to talk to when they need help. “At Urban, there are just a lot of ways for a student to say that they’re struggling,” said Worsley. “They might say it to a teacher … the learning services department … a coach, a college counselor, a grade dean or Patrick, a senior security guard. There are just so many adults who are just present for people.”

According to Feldman, Urban creates active discussions surrounding stereotypes in the Identity and Ethnic Studies curriculum to provide space for students to better understand their relationship with their masculinity. 

“What we hope is that every ninth grader gets the experience to kind of unpack some of [their masculinity] … removed from the social constructs of who [they] think [they’re] supposed to be,” said Feldman.

Already, the world has been changing to support vulnerable men more and more. “What I’ve seen is an acknowledgment of the fact that men’s mental health often goes unnoticed,” said Setrakian.

Even therapy, a historically challenging process for men to enter, has seen significant progress. “In the past maybe 10 years or so, there’s been a real shift in men seeking therapy,” said Hur. “The stigma around therapy has lessened, which is really encouraging.”

However, Urban as a whole still has room to improve. According to a survey by the Urban Legend, 90% of Urban students agree that there’s a stigma surrounding men’s mental health.

Despite this, YMG, a group meant to facilitate meaningful, vulnerable discussions between male students, continues to feel undervalued by peers, feel social judgment and face unfounded stigmas.

The curriculum at Urban discusses the dangers of toxic masculinity, from Tom Buchanan in “The Great Gatsby” to Gilgamesh to discussions about leaders in the Ottoman Empire. Outside of YMG, however, Urban’s social and academic scene still largely lacks productive discussion of positive male role models or how to understand one’s own masculinity.

“Everything regarding men, whether it’s mental health or expression, is overlooked and shunned,” said Reichman about his experiences. “Even by the school itself.”