Dear Yeti
No question is above The Yeti. Though their identity is mired in thinly veiled mystery and changes every few years, the spirit of The Yeti as an advice giver for the anonymous members of the Urban community lives on. If you have a question for The Yeti, click here.
A disclaimer:
You should know that The Yeti is neither a psychiatrist nor a doctor, and you should not take their advice as the final word on the subject. If you believe you are in a life-threatening situation, speak to an adult. They also want to give a shoutout to Urban’s in-house experts, who helped have helped them out over the years, including Shafia Zaloom and Jenn Epstein, Urban health teachers, and Kaern Kreyling, Urban’s counselor.
-The Yeti
Spring 2020
Dear Yeti,
I really like this girl, but we are friends, and I don’t want to mess up our friendship if I make a move. What should I do?
-anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This is hands down one of the hardest questions you could ask. It is also probably one of the most common situations to be in — almost everyone has experienced this at one point or another. You like this girl, which means you like spending time with her, and your friendship offers you that. You are able to laugh with her, hang out with her, and simply be in her presence. I would recommend that you imagine you and this girl as a couple. How would the dynamic of your hangouts change? There might be a more physical element to your relationship, and you would likely get to know her even better than you do now. If you feel unsatisfied with just being friends, and are constantly thinking about what it would be like to be more than friends, then you probably aren’t able to be as open and real as possible, and the dynamic of your friendship could start to suffer.
I know that you are worried about messing up your friendship by telling this girl you like her, but consider that not telling her could mess your friendship up even more. Most relationships (whether platonic or romantic) don’t work out when there is dishonesty between the individuals. By telling her you like her, you are showing her that you trust her. Yes, she could say no, but that does not necessarily mean your friendship will become super awkward since both of you are able to be open and honest with one another. Simply put, by telling this girl you like her, you could end up happily becoming more than friends, or your friendship could become even stronger. Remember, it’s only awkward if you make it awkward, and it is in your power to take the awkwardness out of the situation if the friendship does become a little weird. Just show her that you respect her answer either way because you respect her. Good luck — you got this!
-The Yeti
Dear Yeti,
How do you know if you’re gay?
-a sophomore
Dear Sophomore,
In the past years, I think our society has grown a ton in our understanding of sexuality. Society is slowly coming to terms with the notion that sexuality isn’t necessarily a one or the other type of situation. Instead, it is more of a spectrum, and people may fall on different points along this spectrum. Some find themselves only attracted to a single gender, while others have crushes on various genders. Just because you see a person on the street who you’re physically attracted to doesn’t mean you can’t also wake up the next day and see a person of a different gender that you really like. What I’m getting at here is that sexuality is far more inclusive than it is exclusive. Rather than worrying about who you like and what this desire labels you as, embrace all the beautiful crushes you have, and see each one as an opportunity to form a deep connection with someone you care about. All you need to worry about is if being with this person makes you happy!
-The Yeti
(p.s. If you need time to process, and you are finding it challenging, know that you are never alone. Urban has some great resources that you could use to help you get through this challenging time. Maybe consider popping into Kaern’s office for a virtual counseling session or chatting with Shafia.)
Dear Yeti,
How can I navigate the “perfect body image” idea at urban?
-someone
Dear someone,
I feel you. This topic can be extremely challenging. Urban can sometimes feel like a super competitive environment. Students often compare grades, summer trips, and even their own bodies. Where this path can lead you astray is that focusing all your energy on what someone else looks like will block you from seeing your own beauty. What I find helpful is redefining the “perfect body” image. A perfect body is not the way the most popular person in your grade looks, nor is it the way someone on your Instagram explore page looks. In fact, every single person is born with their own perfect body. Instead of trying to make your body perfect, acknowledge that it already is perfect. It breathes, gets you everywhere you need to go, helps you taste delicious food, and hug those you love.
Once you have accepted this, you may ask yourself, “how can I feel best in this perfect body that I am in?” Form a relationship with your body and take care of it. This means, if your legs are tired halfway through a workout session, maybe your body is telling you to take it easy. If you have a stomach ache after eating three slices of cake, maybe your body is telling you to only eat one. If you are truly able to listen to your body and form a loving relationship with it, then you will no longer need to compare yourself with others because of the size of someone else’s thighs, or arms, or whatever else you compare, will become irrelevant. Instead, you will be able to spend time doing the things you love in the body that you love.
-The Yeti
Dear Yeti,
I can’t tell whether I like someone as a friend or I have a crush on them. Please help! I don’t understand how to know (and I know ppl say butterflies and you think about them when they’re not there but still…)
-soph
Dear Soph,
This is a tough one, and, in the end, it is a question only you will be able to answer for yourself. However, here some tips for figuring that answer out. First, think about the main differences between a friendship and a romantic relationship. Often, though not necessarily always, there is a physical component to a romantic relationship. Have you ever wanted to show forms of physical intimacy with this person, or would you prefer to sit and talk with them but not get touchy? Also, think about how you would feel if this person had a crush on someone else. Would you feel hurt, or happy for them? It also isn’t always super clear, and that’s okay. Think about what’s best for you at this time in your life. Would becoming involved in something that’s more than a friendship be an exciting and positive experience, or would it make you feel overwhelmed? Sometimes you might have to test it out a bit and gain experience before you can fully know if you’re into someone like that, and that’s totally okay. Maybe talk to the other person and see how they feel about you. This could help both of you gain clarity into what you want your relationship to be like, moving forward. Just remember that communication is key! Be honest with yourself and with the other person, and be open to feeling it out.
-The Yeti
Winter 2020,
Dear Yeti,
HIPE also has a questioning sort of thing on their healthy blues blog and are arguably more qualified to answer health/drug/sex relationship related questions. just a fun thought…………………………
Signed, student
Dear student,
Yes, you are so right! HIPE already does have an anonymous blog. However, I believe that we at Urban can never have enough resources to help out our fellow Blues. If you have a personal problem — perhaps about envy — please feel free to write to us about it in the future.
All the very best,
Yeti
Dear yeti,
I’m a sophomore this year and I still feel like I haven’t found my group of friends. There are certainly people that I like and I hang out with but when they invite me to stuff, I kind of just don’t feel like going. Is that normal? I just like being on my own in my bed, reading a book, especially after a long week on a Friday afternoon. Do you thinkI might just not find people at Urban who I really click with it? Is that normal?
thanks,
a sophomore
Dear sophomore,
This is all perfectly normal! Some people tend to be more introverted than others, meaning they tend to get energy from being alone. Being social at school all day long can feel exhausting to introverts, and doing something on top of that is extra hard. Be generous with yourself. If you need a quiet weekend to have a successful school week, then do that! If your friends are really your friends, they’ll understand if you need some time for yourself. However, if you feel like these people might not be your BFFs, that’s completely normal. Friend groups end to change a lot sophomore year. So if you want to explore finding new friends, that’s also perfectly ok. Try going to clubs and Urban events for things that interest you. Even though it can be scary (and exhausting!) to put yourself out there, it’s definitely worth it. Consider applying for library leaders to find more people who share your interest in reading! Also, if you want to hang out with your friends in a more lowkey, introvert-friendly fashion, that could also be an option. See a movie together, so you can all hang out in a more relaxed way without having to fill the whole time with chatter. Afterwards, you’ll be rested, and you can all get milkshakes together or something like that. Good luck, and do not hesitate to reach out again.
Sincerely,
Yeti
Dear Yeti,
Our grade was once part of the urban party culture over the summer, but now it seems as though the seniors have kicked us out of that group. How do we get the seniors to be our allies?
Signed sober soph
Dear sober soph,
Why not try throwing bigger and better parties than the seniors? I’m thinking of Gatsby-level parties — rent the continent of Europe if you have to. Turn the tables and make them want to be invited to your parties. Have fun and be safe. Good luck!
Dear Yeti,
Nothing makes me happy and all my friends drink.
Dear student,
I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. The first thing that I would suggest that you do is to validate your own feelings — they are are real, and you deserve a supportive network around how to deal with this. I would find adult resource(s) to talk with about how you are feeling. If you are concerned about your friends, suggest new activities for your friend group that don’t involve drinking, like movies, bowling, shopping, or cooking. If these things don’t work out and you continue to feel unfulfilled, I think it’s important to ask yourself a question: are your friends bringing you more harm than good? If you even have to hesitate, then I think it’s time to consider finding new friends who appreciate and value the same things you do. Join/participate in clubs or try new activities that interest you. Feel free to reach out again.
Sincerely,
Yeti
Dear Yeti,
How do I gain more self control? I am terrible at following my own advice, whether it be me telling myself to eat healthier but I get chips at flik anyway even though I’m not even that hungry, or me telling myself that I need to stop talking to my ex (I’m literally seeing him next week like are you kidding me). It really frustrates me that I blatantly do the opposite of what I tell myself I should do sometimes, because its so easy to succumb to instant gratification.
Signed, a literal silly goose
Dear a literal silly goose,
I applaud you for challenging yourself to grow. There’s no better time than right after the beginning of the New Year! I think it’s important to take this process one step at a time. Don’t set unrealistic goals for yourself that will only set you up for disappointment. Start with cutting down chips to once a week or gradually letting your ex go. If these habits are making you upset, slowly but surely work to release yourself from them. It’s okay to make mistakes and to not be perfect. The most important thing is to be patient with yourself. You’re doing great already by knowing you want to change.
Sincerely, Yeti
Dear Yeti,
How do I get out of awkward handshakes with males? Ex: dab me up/g-lock/knucks
Signed,
Bebe
Dear Bebe,
Don’t overthink it! When in doubt, pick the least complicated one. Go with your gut.
Signed,
Yeti
Dear Yeti,
I’m in a really big friend group, but there is a lot of drama in the group. How do I make things less cliquey??
Signed,
Freshie
Dear Freshie,
Good for you for trying to be the peacekeeper! However, I do not think that you should have to go at this alone. Find other people who are also fed up with the drama. Get on the same page. Figure out the “source” of the drama. Is it a cranky person? Is it a feud? Then address it at the source with as little talking behind people’s backs as possible. If the source of the conflict is a person, give them dignity by giving them room in the conversation to share their side of the story. If you find that this person keeps adding toxic energy to the group, then I think it’s appropriate to create some distance. Good luck, and don’t hesitate to reach out again if you need more advice.
Signed,
Yeti
Dear Yeti,
How can I ask Phoebe Grandi on a date?
Signed,
Curious student
Dear Curious Student,
Phoebe Grandi is truly a magnificent person. I’d say go big or go home. Think flash mob or a ballad in the student center. I’m always a sucker for a personalized scavenger hunt. Why not go down memory lane with a clue at every spot in which you share a special memory? It doesn’t hurt to have little gifts along the way. Then, end the scavenger hunt at the spot you cherish most with her favorite flowers and the words, “Phoebe, my dear, my love for now and all eternity, will you go out with me?” spelled out in candles. How could anyone say no to that? Good luck and keep me posted.
All the best,
Yeti
Dear Yeti,
I hooked up with a guy a few times and now he won’t stop asking me to hang out. I don’t want to be mean but I’m not interested.
Signed, student
Dear Student
These situations can definitely be awkward. If you’re comfortable, have a private, respectful, adult-conversation with them and explain how you feel if you think they would be able to understand where you’re coming from. Suggest friendship if that’s something you’re open to. If that doesn’t work, try to employ respectful, gradual distance. Whenever they ask if you’re free, say you’re busy until they get the message. It might take a bit. Maybe even be busy with someone else you’re actually interested in. Good luck!
Signed,
Yeti
Dear Yeti,
Every day I feel less and less comfortable in my body for one reason or another and I’ve discovered it’s because I’m no longer comfortable with my sex. I don’t know what to do and I feel really trapped in my current identity. What should I do? I feel very lost.
Signed,
Vikki
Dear Vikki,
Thank you so much for opening up to me — you are very brave. I have asked for some help from Jenn Epstein, one of our health teachers, as she is much more qualified than I am on this issue. She would definitely be willing to talk to you if you choose to do so. Jenn also helped me write much of this. You have many options about how you can go forward. I think that you should find a trusted adult to help walk through this journey with you. Whether it’s a parent, sibling, or relative, you don’t have to go through this journey alone, and you should have an avenue for help. If you don’t want to talk to a family member, I have a few suggestions of people at Urban who would be happy to talk with you. As I mentioned before, Jenn Epstein and Shafia Zaloom, our health teachers, are an amazing resource for all things gender and sexuality. Kaern and Alexander, our guidance counselors, are just lovely people to talk to. Consider also Aku, our Dean of Equity and Inclusion, Raina and Katina, the faculty leaders of GSA, as well as your advisor. Even though it might be scary, you could also go to GSA for some support from peers who can empathize with what you are going through. Also, try going to genderspectrum.org, a website with loads of materials and resources about gender-inclusivity, especially for young people. Thank you so so much for reaching out! Please do not hesitate to write to me again.
Sincerely,
Yeti
Fall 2019,
I have always gotten way too attached to my crushes, not in a clingy way, but in the way that I have had them for multiple years each time without any break.
I have three problems. The first is that the person I like was in a serious relationship, and possibly still is, but she does not talk about it much. As we are also friends, and I enjoy that, I do not want to ruin that at the start of a 4 year time together and make her, and possibly her friends, hate me. I obviously don’t want to do anything if she is still dating, but I don’t really know if she is or when she is, and am not at all connected to any social groups that would have any reason to know that. The second problem is that I am not sure how much I want to date someone if it follows the general partying dynamic at Urban, but I would be fine if it didn’t. She is involved, although not at the center by any means, with the party scene. Although I know that, I do not know how involved she is besides her Instagram and her making plans with friends. My third problem is that although I really like her, I find the act of being in a relationship stressful and for some reason something to hide. It is something built into me from being very judgy in middle school I think, but it does mean that I find relationships generally stressful (although I haven’t had one before) despite the fact that I like her.
Signed,
An obviously inexperienced male freshman yeti
Dear An obviously inexperienced male freshman yeti,
First of all, I admire your courage in expressing your feelings, it takes true strength to be vulnerable. Concerning this girl that you have the feels for I think that you should wait it out a bit. Not all relationships survive 4 years of high school and if the relationship breaks up then first give her time and then you can see if she is interested in a relationship as well. Give it time. If you rush it, it is more likely that the relationship will start sloppy and end fast. If you really like her your feelings will stay the same despite the time. If you stop feeling this way after a bit that is a sign that you could be interested in someone else. Then maybe you could focus on a different person who reciprocates those feelings for you presently. If you don’t want to date her with the notorious Urban Hook-Up culture that is also fine. Plenty of people have more committed relationships at Urban. As for addressing your third problem, I think that you should wait to worry until you are actually in this relationship. I appreciate that you are being proactive, pre-emptively worrying about this relationship, but for now, you have NOTHING to worry about. Give this time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Signed, The Yeti
Dear Yeti,
How do you know if you like someone as a friend or as something more? I know that people say that you get butterflies in your stomach and stuff like that but I just don’t understand. People also say you’re nervous if it’s someone who you like as more than a friend but I’m nervous around some of my friends too. Please help!
Thanks,
a Freshman
Dear a Freshman,
Aww, this question is soo cute! There are many different ways to tell this but not all of them work for every person. For me, it’s if I think of them when they’re not around. Like if my crush likes roses you better believe that when I see roses I’ll think of them. Does that make sense? As for if that person likes you back that’s a bit more complicated. Do they look you in the eyes when they talk to you? Do you they ask you to hang out outside of with friends? Do they text you often? Do they seem to feel comfortable around you? Use these questions as guidelines, however, there’s no way to know for sure unless you ask them which I know can be scary. As for nerves, that’s perfectly normal. Chances are they’re nervous too!
Signed, The Yeti
Dear Yeti,
This might be a little too forward but are you currently in a relationship or have you been in a relationship? If so, how did you know that that person was the one? And if you ever loved someone in a romantic relationship, how did you know that it was love?
Thanks,
Maggie Sawyer
Dear Maggie Sawyer,
You’ll know when you know. I know that that’s annoyingly vague but it’s true. Each relationship is different there isn’t a formula that can be plugged in with you and your crush as coefficients. However, there are some general tipoffs. Do you think of that person when they’re not around? Do you both listen to each other? Do you care about each other’s lives and interests? Do you feel attracted to them physically and emotionally? Do you feel extra loved and cared for when you’re with them? If these questions are coming up as mostly yesses, then I suggest having an afternoon picnic (because food and sunny days make everything better) with your crush/significant other in a quiet space to chat. Tell them that you like them. Have a conversation. Prepare yourself for all scenarios. Be brave. Good luck!
Signed the Yeti
Spring, 2019
Dear Yeti,
All my life, I’ve always thought I was straight but I’ve recently been watching shows that include lesbian couples and I realized that I ship their relationship more than straight couples’ and I keep modeling what I hope my future relationship will be like from theirs. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I think that I might be a lesbian or at least pansexual but I don’t know. I also don’t know how I would tell my friends or my parents because they all think that I’m the most straight person there is. I’m also 99 percent sure my dad would be fine with me liking girls but in the show I’m watching (Supergirl), one of the characters that came out as lesbian was kicked out of her house by her dad. How should I tell my family and friends if I’m not straight and do you have any suggestions on how to figure that out? Thanks!
Signed, A Freshman
Dear A Freshman,
Questioning your sexuality is perfectly normal. Remember that different people present their sexualities in different ways. Just because some people around you see you as super straight does not mean that you are. You can make telling your family and friends as big of a deal as you want to. You could coordinate a flash-dance with loud music and costumes. Or you could just slip it into the conversation casually. For example, if you and your friend or a family member are watching a show, you could be like, “oh that girl is cute.” It is completely up to you. As for knowing if that person will be ok with it–that can be scary. You’re opening up about a new part of yourself and that takes real vulnerability and strength. I wouldn’t compare your life to TV too much though. While we all want to be like a TV character of our choice (one of my personal favorites is Blair Waldorf), real life is not usually that dramatic. If you are 99% sure that your dad would be ok with you being queer, trust your gut, not what you see on TV. If you want to tell your folks, then do it! However, on the off chance that they’re not ok with it, get an adult involved. Chat with an adult you trust about bringing them in for a longer conversation because you deserve a supportive family. Remember to take your time because there is no rush. You get to decide how you do this. For now, hope for the best and let me know if you need help finding coordinated costumes or a casual show to watch! I wish you the best of luck.
-The Yeti
Spring, 2019
Dear Yeti,
I am in a small group, and I am struggling because everyone else in my group is getting kind of frustrated with the other person. We’ve tried drifting away and make sure we are not ganging up on them (we all individually decided we wanted a break), but they don’t get it. And I don’t want to hurt them even more by drifting away and leaving them without any explanation. But confrontation is so serious!
Signed, Sophomore Yeti
Dear Sophomore Yeti,
Wow, this is definitely a complicated situation. I admire your tact and care for this person’s emotions. You could start off with an adult conversation, one on one. This would be a very mature move. It does not have to be a confrontation, you could give this person some room to explain themselves. If that does not work, I think that it’s important that you act on behalf of you and not your whole friend group. If you all immediately stop talking to them then it will be obvious what’s up. I think that a slowly-but-surely approach is what’s best. Instead of having lunch with them every week, try every other week, then once a month, then every other month… you get the idea. Eventually, this person will get the message. However, it is critical that you still treat this person with respect; greet them in the halls and do not completely ignore them. They are still a human being and they deserve your respect.
-The Yeti
Spring, 2019
Dear Yeti,
I made a big mistake and acted horribly towards my boyfriend because I was jealous. I purposely hurt him by mentioning something about our future and it was horrible. He cried. I was so mean. I’ve apologized since and am going to spend time with him this weekend and love him so much but he still doesn’t trust me after that, and I understand. Please help, Yeti. What should I do? I know that he will have to forgive me and trust me on his own, but I also know that I need to take responsibilities for my actions.
Signed, Butterbug
Dear Butterbug,
Good for you for wanting to own up to your actions on your own; that’s a very mature move. I think that you should sit your boyfriend down in a quiet and private place where you can be real with each other. First off state why you’re sorry and then give your boyfriend some room to talk. Actively listen and do not to cut him off or make excuses. Then continue into an adult conversation about how you can act differently next time. You cannot change the past but what you can change is what you both learn from this experience.
-The Yeti
Winter, 2018
Dear Yeti,
PDA at Urban. Thoughts?
Signed, Curious Joe
Dear Curious Joe,
Interesting question. I believe that it is all about context. Are you in a cozy corner in the gumption? In front of a bunch of innocent freshies? Read the room. Have fun.
–The Yeti
Winter, 2018
Dear Yeti,
What should I do if I have multiple classes with someone who I really don’t like but he really likes me (in a friendly, non-romantic way)? I’ve already given him multiple chances but there are just so many things that I don’t like about him (he lies all the time, doesn’t think about other people’s feelings before talking, and unintentionally (I think) puts down a lot of my beliefs).
Signed, Needer of Advice
Dear Yeti,
There’s someone in a lot of my classes who I really don’t like but he seems to really like me (as a friend). I don’t like him because he’s lied to me many times, doesn’t seem to respect people, and overall just feels really fake. They keep trying to be my friend, though, and I don’t want to tell them that I really don’t like them because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I’ve tried to show him a little bit that I don’t really like him but he just ignores it and comes to eat with me at lunch everyday. He has other friends, too, but he still hangs out around me. What should I do?
Signed, MS
Dear Needer of Advice and MS,
I’m giving you both the same response because you have similar questions. First of all, Oof, that’s a toughie. For starters, grab a seat away from them. Go sit with a trusted friend and start a conversation with them and be engaged with them so you have an excuse to be without this person who’s unintentionally putting you down. If you have a close friend in the class, let them know about the situation so that they are fully equipped to be the armor between you and this person. Hopefully, with your friends at your side, you’ll be able to get some much-needed distance. If that doesn’t work, dig deep into your classes. Urban is hard enough already! You have work to do. You don’t have time to be distracted by them. I believe in you; only six more weeks until a switch up, 🙂
-The Yeti
Fall, 2018
Dear Yeti,
Is pre-track helpful for XC and track, or would running on my own for longer distances be more helpful?
Signed, Freshman Runner.
Dear Freshman Runner,
You should definitely run pre-track if you are interested in doing track in the spring. You will get a lay of the land in terms of how Urban Track works. In addition, you can meet new people who will also probably be on the Track Team with you. Hello–new friends and getting a leg up on track?! Sounds like a win-win to me.
-The Yeti
Fall, 2018
Dear Yeti,
How do you fix it when you mess up a friendship? Rejector and Rejected.
Signed, 2 Sad Frosh.
Dear 2 Sad Frosh,
I’m sorry that you are in a tough situation. First, say sorry to your friend. Mean it. Even if you feel like you did nothing wrong, it is always good to start from a place of generosity. In order to mend a friendship, I would try to find a time to chat with the friend. Find a quiet space and try to break down the problem. Where did your friendship start to go wrong? Were there a bunch of tiny problems or was their one big problem? How can both of you treat each other better in the future? These conversations can be tough, but being uncomfortable talking about your feelings now will save you both a lot of pain if you decide to ignore the problem. If this person does not reciprocate the feelings of wanting to repair your friendship and you are really invested in this friendship, give this person some time. Come back and try to deconstruct what went wrong. If the person still does not forgive you, you will have to recognize that this person does not want to fix the friendship. You have done everything that you can do. Look elsewhere for friends who can recognize that you are human and you make mistakes.
-The Yeti
Fall, 2018
Dear Yeti,
I am a new freshman. While I love Urban, and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else- the social dynamic is getting frustrating. The freshman class is feeling very cliquey recently. Everyone is so kind and I would love to be friends with all of them, but the “groups” feel like a barrier. I feel like I’m overstepping every time I try to join a conversation or make a new friend. I spend lunch stressed, worried that I’m missing out, or moving farther as the groups get stronger. So, Yeti, how should I go about this social situation? Should I try to find my own group to settle into, or should I wait for the groups to disperse (will they ever)? Thank you very much.
Signed, Baby Yeti
Dear Baby Yeti,
Omigod that is the cutest question. I hear you. Freshman year is super socially awkward for a lot of people. I remember orientation: the awkward stares, wandering around and being asked where you went to middle school about one billion times. Finding your friends in freshman year can be tough; there tends to be a general fear of going anywhere by yourself at school. However, you are definitely not alone in feeling this way. When a group of kids seems to be excluding you or making you feel uncomfortable, go find some kids to hang out with who appreciate you for who you are. If these kids make you feel excluded or self-conscious, then don’t give them the time of day. So, when trying to make new friends, go to a bunch of club meetings or forums that you are interested in. Try chatting with new people who seem cool or who you’ve met briefly in class. Try finding shared interests and keep the conversation going. Say hi to them in the hallways and eventually try to make plans. You don’t have to have a group of friends that you are with 24/7. You can have different friends from different friend groups. Just be with people who value you and who you have fun with. Also, remember it’s ok to go places alone or take a break from being social during lunch. Be social when you want and take a break when you want. Be confident in your decisions or just pretend to be. The feeling will catch. And, chances are, the more free-flowing and open you are, the more people will be drawn to you.
-The Yeti
Fall, 2018
Dear Yeti,
I feel like all my friends are hooking up with people and I’m just not. I know there’s like “no pressure” but how do I know if the other person wants to or if I’m making it weird?
Signed, Ligma
Dear Limga,
I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. No one likes to feel left out. Even though it feels like a lot of people are hooking up, you are not alone. Sometimes people who are hooking up like dramatizing their situation, even when there actually isn’t that much happening. I remember once I was at a summer program in Spain and on the first night, my whole dorm floor got together to discuss their sexual histories. I just left the situation because that is not the first thing I want to hear from a person (or the second). Addressing the later bit of your question about knowing when a person wants to hook up or not, it really depends on the person you are into. If you want to hook up with someone because you are into them (not because of FOMO), then try to spend more time with them. Ask to grab a cookie during the break, bonus points if you go from the old building to the new building and can have a nice walk to get to know each other better. If that seems intimidating, try sitting next to them in class and chatting about their weekend after you finish a partner discussion. People like to feel known. Ask follow up questions! Chances are they will do the same.
-The Yeti
Fall 2017
Dear Yeti,
Why is saying hi in the hallways to a boy such a hard thing to do?
Signed, An introvert
Dear introvert,
The Urban School has a small student body with two campuses and many narrow, intimate hallways that are opportune for encountering this boy. Chances are, you run into him at least once a week in the hallways. Sometimes, ignoring this individual can make the situation even more awkward.
It’s helpful to think: “what’s the worst thing that could happen?” If you manage to embarrass yourself, you can laugh and try again next time. Plus, you’ll have a great story to tell. If he laughs at you or ignores you, at least you tried and maybe he’s just not worthy of a greeting from your beautiful face.
When it comes to saying “hi,” the more you do it, the easier it will get. I advise you to fully commit to your greeting. You could even practice different ways of saying hello. Will it be a “hey” or a “go blues” or “what’s up?” Whatever you decide is most comfortable, make sure that they know you are addressing them by smiling and making eye contact. Good luck!
-The Yeti
Fall 2017
Dear Yeti,
I am applying to a school that many of my friends are applying to as well. I know that not everyone can get in and I don’t know if we should talk about it or just pretend we don’t know that we are applying to the same schools or what to do when we do or do not get in.
Signed, Sad Senior
Dear Sad Senior,
This is a situation that many seniors will have to navigate. It is inevitable that seniors will be applying to the same schools, and I recommend that you let your friend know what your first choices are, so that there is complete transparency when selecting your college.
As decision letters arrive, it is important to remember that applying to colleges is a considerably vulnerable process as you present your best self to a college and hope that you are the right fit. Each college is looking for a student that fits its desired freshman class, and there are many factors that are beyond the control of you and your friends.
I suggest that you plan ahead for the day letters arrive. Decide whether or not you will talk about it, how long you will wait to tell the other, and what you will do to get past the possible awkwardness. Whether this is sending a text on the second day or immediately going out to get coffee with your friend, hopefully having a plan will help provide structure in a time when you may feel powerless. Whatever happens, recognize their emotional outlook on the situation and be supportive.
To be fully transparent, your Yeti is also a senior and so this is my best guess.
-The Yeti
Fall 2017
Dear Yeti,
I’m a guy and I really like this girl but I don’t know what to do if I take her on a date. I know that she is more into dating then hooking up, so that’s good, but what should I do that’s fun if we go on a date??? I want to be creative.
Signed, A dude
Dear dude,
If you go on a date, go somewhere you would feel most comfortable. Although there is nothing quite like an awkward first date for an interesting life experience, this can be avoided by knowing what you like and what her interests are. I have taken the liberty of mapping out some possibilities.
If you’re into…
Being Active: Go on a hike in Marin and see the fall foliage. Bring some blankets and bundle up. Maybe stop at a cafe on the way back. If you can’t make it out to Marin (I understand), go ice skating either in the Yerba Buena Ice Skating Center or the Holiday Ice Rink in Union Square.
Food: Go locate some prime food trucks. I recommend not getting any food that smells bad, or could stain anything. Walk around, explore, eat and maybe bring blankets and have a picnic. Lovely.
Museums: Something about walking through an exhibition of any kind can be kind of interesting. There is always something to talk about and lots of interesting things to look at. If you’re looking for an instagram picture, go to the Color Factory. If you like animals, go to The California Academy of Sciences (no joke, I think this would be really fun). If you like video games and being a tourist, go to the Musée Mécanique in Fisherman’s Wharf for a bit of friendly competition and fun with old video games. Good luck!
-The Yeti
Winter, 2015
Dear Yeti,
My friend has a huge crush on this boy (it’s literally all she talks to me about) but I think she’s being too intense about it and I don’t know how to tell her to calm down a little. How do I tell her this nicely?
Does this boy like your friend back? This is the key question. If the answer is yes, you don’t have to worry about this issue for too long. One of them will probably ask the other out and then things will calm down because all her dreams will be realized. Or they won’t get together and their relationship will exist in a floating amoeba fraught with sexual tension. Usually these amoebas don’t last.
If he doesn’t like her back, you should recognize something: you’ve been here. Unrequited love. Be sympathetic. But if she’s annoying you, don’t let your conversation be dominated by something you don’t care about. If you have something more interesting to say, say it.
But this isn’t really your problem. Your problem is that your friend is being “too intense.” This is a whole ‘nother host of questions. How intense? Are we talking, “He’s so cute! Have you noticed his eyelid is dimpled?” Or are we talking, “I want to make a harness out of his ligaments”? If you are worried for this boy’s safety, obviously tell someone who can help. If you just think she’s more obsessed with him, than he is with her, maybe gently mention this. Self-deprecation is always good. Say, “Molly, sweetcheeks, I know you love him. But remember what happened with me and Jake? Oh, God, that was embarrassing.” The best part of this? Jake doesn’t even have to be real.
Hope that helps.
-The Yeti
Winter, 2015
Dear Yeti,
How do you ask someone out?
Oh boy. Ok. Time for a story from eighth grade.
I have a friend. Her name is “Lucinda.” One day, Lucinda choked on a grape. We were on the beach and a boy in our grade who was a Boy Scout ended up performing the Heimlich Maneuver on her and probably saving her life. After this momentous event, Lucinda fell hard for this boy we will call “Deke.”
There were a couple weeks of pain as Lucinda searched her soul, asking herself (and me) repeatedly, “Should I tell Deke I like him? Should I ask him out?” I didn’t know. I had no answers. I had once danced with a sweaty boy, but that was the extent of my experience.
And then, Anon, and then! SHE ASKED HIM OUT. I was blown away. Nothing like that had EVER HAPPENED.
He said no.
He was actually already dating a girl (meaning they texted a lot), but he hadn’t told anyone. Lucinda was devastated for about two days, and then she got over it. She had asked herself, before approaching Deke, “What’s the worse thing that can happen?” And then when it did happen it wasn’t that big of deal.
So, Anon, ask yourself: “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” And if the answer to that question is outweighed by this question: “What’s the best thing that can happen?” THEN DO IT. Please do it in person. Unless it comes up over text or G-mail Chat or whatever you kids do. If the person is texting you like, ‘Have you seen this movie?” and you’re like, “I should ask this person to see this movie with me!” you don’t need to drive to that person’s house to say, “We should see it together.”
GOOD LUCK, ANON, YOU CHEEKY LITTLE MINX.
-The Yeti
Winter, 2015
Dear Yeti,
What do you do when you can’t decide or fully understand your feelings about someone? It happens to me way too often, and I often lose opportunities because of my hesitations.
OH NO. This is the worst. I am sympathetic.
Because this is the “love and relationships” edition of Dear Yeti, I can only assume the “feelings” you are talking about are “romantic” or perhaps “sexual.” I assume you have been in the situations where the possibility of doing something with someone has arisen, in other words, the other person is “down,” and you decide not to do whatever it is you were about to do because you couldn’t decide whether or not you were “down.”
NICE GOING.
I’m hoping that didn’t sound sarcastic. Honestly. Good job. Don’t do something with a person who you aren’t sure you want to do the thing with. That’s the Number Two Rule of Doing Things.
Here’s my advice: if it’s something sexual, and you aren’t sure you want to do it because you don’t know how much you like the person, DON’T DO IT. Well. Don’t do it THEN. Do it after you’ve gotten to know the person a little better and then do it, if you want to.
A lot of people will tell you that when you’re really really old, you want to look back on your life and regret more the things you did do than you did do. Look. The only reason these people are telling you this is because they aren’t dead. There’s a whole lot of people who would rise up from the grave and tell you the opposite. It’s a lot easier to die from doing things than not doing things. This doesn’t really apply to sexual/hook up stuff because it’s hard to die from hooking up with someone (but not actually impossible) but it’s the same sort of principle. You have a lot more to lose than gain from hooking up with someone you aren’t sure about.
I’m not some old fuddy duddy. Be young. Be wild. Be free. Just be all those things with someone you actually like. Make up your mind first. And trust your instincts. Those instincts come from the cavemen times. They know what they’re talking about.
Good luck, pal.
-The Yeti
Spring, 2014
Dear Yeti,
How do I get a girl to have a crush on me?
You can’t. I’m sorry. There are very few things that are completely impossible to manipulate, but time and space and the crushes of adolescent girls happen to be some of them.
But there is the possibility that the girl you desire ALREADY has a crush on you, or that she has the potential for a crush buried somewhere inside her. So be nice. Hold doors. Smile. Wash your hair, brush your teeth, sit close to her, and make the occasional goofy face. Let her see what you’re good at. Be yourself, but cleaner.
Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t pick up on your hints. Don’t be surprised if she chooses what you perceive to be a dirty, snarky, frowny person over you. It’s nothing personal (after all, there might be a different girl who likes you, and you pay no attention to her because you’re into this other chick, but that’s nothing against her, it’s your personal preference). Just do your best, and see what comes from it.
-The Yeti
Spring, 2014
Dear Yeti,
This kid in my English class just won’t shut up. He talks for 5 minutes straight and somehow manages to NEVER say ANYTHING meaningful or helpful. And then when we are working in groups, he is silent until it is time to present and he talks the entire f*cking time! It always gets me frustrated and disrupts my learning big time. The teacher does little to deter him. How do I address this?
This is kind of a big problem. In a school where each class only gets about four hours of class time a week, the occasional wasted five minutes can be a major hindrance.
What’s weird is that your teacher isn’t doing anything about it, though I see where he/she is coming from. If I were a teacher, I would want to make sure every student in my class had a voice. So, I might struggle with cutting a kid off who is “silent” during groups (maybe he is shy). But I think I would also realize that when one kid’s voice impedes others, it needs to be cut off.
Go to your teacher, but don’t go alone. Bring one or two friends from your class who agree with you. (But keep it quiet—you don’t want this going back to the guy and hurting his feelings.) Let your teacher know, in person, that you feel your learning time is being interrupted. This will freak your teacher out a lot (they hate it when learning time is interrupted) and hopefully he/she will take it from there. Don’t cut the kid off yourself; this shouldn’t be your responsibility.
If no progress is made, grit your teeth and bear it. You only have a few more weeks.
-The Yeti
Spring, 2014
Dear Yeti,
How do I get laid?
First off, stop saying “laid.” Is this “Superbad”? Do you wear a backwards cap and spit chewing tobacco? No? I understand that you are horny and might be faced with the painfully pure white wall that is your unshakable virginity, but please stop saying “laid.”
You’re going to be fine. As a human being, it’s normal that you want to have sex, whatever that may mean for you. And it’s normal that you’re excited. But you’ve missed an important step here: The person who is going to “lay” you. If you’ve never had sex, you don’t know what to expect, and that’s totally ok. So you might want it to be with someone who makes you feel safe, comfortable, loved.
Here’s my sagely wisdom: Look at the question that asks “How do I get a girl to have a crush on me?” That kid is on the right track. I’d definitely be more likely to “lay” a person who asks me that than a person who says “Please. Sex. Now.”
Look for someone you love, someone who wouldn’t ever hurt you. A person who might make the same sloppy mistakes, or at least forgive you of yours. And then have a relationship with that person. And who knows, maybe you’ll eventually get “laid.”
-The Yeti
P.S. Or go to a brothel.
P.P.S. Do not go to a brothel.
Winter, 2014
Dear Yeti,
I dated someone for a while and I can honestly say that I was in love. I still am, really. We started hooking up again recently, and he treats me like his girlfriend. He has a picture of me on his desk, I’m his top Snapchat buddy, I have his spare key. He holds my hand in front of his friends, calls me “babe,” the whole thing. But occasionally he’ll just disappear for a couple of days and not talk to me, or blow me off and act like I don’t matter. What should I do?
I am afraid you are suffering from what we here in journalism class call, “being in love with a mean boy.” That may be a little harsh. Maybe he’s not mean, but he is taking advantage of you. You need to ask yourself, “What do I want from this relationship?”
It seems like he only wants you when it’s convenient. Only when he’s not sick of you; only when he’s in the mood. And when he’s not in the mood, he’s manipulative, hurtful, and has no regard for your feelings. Do you really want your picture on the desk of a person like that?
Are you looking for a casual hookup? No strings attached? No emotions, someone whose only purpose is to serve as proof that you are wanted? It seems to me that this is what he wants. You say you love him, but what you want is commitment.
Break up with him. You’ll get a new best friend on Snapchat.
-The Yeti
Winter, 2014
Dear Yeti,
I’m scared of growing up because I know that I can’t go back …. What should I do?
I feel like you’re not giving growing up the credit it deserves. Have you ever seen people in their 20s? Those people are ravishing. They have the world at their fingertips. They walk downtown with their coffees and their colored pants and they don’t have a single care about math tests or parties or going to lunch alone. This is because they are adult humans! They have freedom, which is exciting.
Obviously, being a teenager is fun, or at least, like, 52 percent fun. Being a kid was almost 90 percent fun, and of courseI miss running around in sprinklers and not having homework and sleeping for four hours and actually feeling excited about it, but you know what I don’t miss? Not being able to read big books, someone else buying my clothes, having to go everywhere with an adult. Sure, I wish I didn’t have to spend hours of every single day on a computer, but I’m still glad I know stoichiometry. I’m glad I can do the present perfect subjunctive tense in Spanish. I’m glad I’min charge of my future.
If you’re lucky, you will have had a childhood worth missing. And if you continue to be lucky, you will have an adult life worth looking forward to.
Good luck.
-The Yeti
Winter, 2014
Dear Yeti,
How do I ask someone to prom?
It can be very tempting to swoop in on your motorcycle, carrying a huge bouquet of flowers and a box of cupcakes that say “PROM?”. You might also feel the urge to do this in front of a large group of people. But take heed because the person you are asking can still say “no.” This is very important. Remember that. Your askee can always say no.
My recommendation is that if you aren’t absolutely, 100 percent certain of a “yes,” nor are you very willing to suffer humiliation, try doing something small. Literally, just ask. Say, “Would you like to go to prom with me?” This is your best bet to avoid embarrassment. Trust me.
But let’s say, for the sake of argument, you find this method boring. Let’s say you still want to do something big, but you don’t want to suffer the potentially red-faced consequences. My advice would be to do a “two-step” ask. First, approach or call — I guess you could text if you’re annoying — and ask the person if they’d be willing to go to prom with you. Say you’d like to ask them in a big way, but you want their permission first. Because, remember, not everyone enjoys the spotlight.
Lastly, do not be afraid to ask someone to prom! I think it’s fair to say that mostUrban students want to go with dates. And the answer is always a “no” if you don’t ask, right?
-The Yeti
Winter, 2014
Dear Yeti,
I like one of my teachers. This person is so beautiful; I am deeply in love. What do I do?
A few things you should know first off:
1) Your feelings are natural and you should not be ashamed of yourself.
2) A non-academic relationship between you and your teacher is not going to happen, nor should you try to make it happen.
3) If you think your teacher is flirting/reciprocating your feelings, tell someone. This could be your adviser, a parent, or someone at Urban, such as Kaern, Shafia or Jenn.
That being said, it’s okay to like your teacher. It’s probably helping you out in that class, because you’re working harder to try to impress him/her. Just don’t flirt or make anyone feel uncomfortable (this includes the other students in your class). Though it may seem unlikely now, these feelings will pass and hopefully you will fall for someone you can legally date.
Until then, play it cool.
-The Yeti
Winter, 2014
Dear Yeti,
I want to be in the U.S. Army. First off, I’m just pissed because in the Army, women can’t get as high of positions or really do anything like men can. Secondly, is this a waste of my entire education? I pay a shitload of money to attend Urban, so now, what? I’m going to get shot? I need to tell my parents; I really don’t want to run away. Is this wrong? Last time I began to bring the subject up, they reacted badly.
It seems you have three issues:
1) The issue of misogyny in the military.
2) The issue of worrying you are wasting your Urban education by joining up.
3) The issue of your parents reacting badly to your decision.
Numbers one and two are much easier to deal with than three. As long as you have done your research on how women are treated in the military, and you feel comfortable enough with what you’ve learned, you’re good to go. Yes, it is unfair that it might be harder as a woman to gain higher positions in the Army, but the best way to combat that is for more and more brave women like you to join up and show that they’re just as worthy. Misogynists will have won if they keep you out of the service.
In my opinion, you are in no way wasting your education — in fact, it is a testament to your Urban education that you want to do something this noble. The school should be proud to have a servicewoman as an alumna. Besides, it’s not like your education only counts once you’ve graduated. Enjoy your experience at Urban now, and understand that your education will continue in the military and beyond. You might also want to consider the ROTC program, which will provide you with a college scholarship at one of 1,000-plus colleges nationwide in exchange for your service.
With your parents, be patient but persistent. Show them the research that you’ve done and tell them why you want to join the military. You can even do a presentation if you want or make a pros-and-cons list. Understand that your parents are worried for you and give them time to digest this idea. Give yourself time, too. You’re making a very courageous and difficult decision, and it deserves deep thought.
For more information on this subject check out http://www.goarmy.com/rotc.html.
Good luck!
-The Yeti
Winter, 2014
Dear Yeti,
How do I get a date with Olive Lopez?
Olive Lopez (’15) gave me an inside report on the way to her heart. Lopez is a sucker for lavender kombucha ($3.99) and small seedless sourdough loaves (79 cents each), both of which are available at Haight Street Market. I suggest you buy these items and profess your love. If she says yes, you have a date. If she says no, at least you have some bread.
For more information about Olive Lopez, follow her at http://instagram.com/_olivelopez.
Good luck!
-The Yeti