It is an Urban school day like any other: You are sitting in your C-period class as the clock hanging above the smartboard slowly approaches 11:45 a.m. Suddenly, the sounds of papers shuffling, binders getting slammed shut and buzzing backpack zippers fill the air around you. While you begin to pack up, you watch everyone eagerly disperse as they begin to carry out their lunch plans. You check your phone to see where your friends are, but no texts have come your way. Are you about to experience lunch alone?

According to Psychology Today, solitude, or the act of being alone, helps improve concentration, allows you to discover yourself and can enhance the quality of your relationships with others. However, in a 2023 survey conducted by The Urban Legend, 90% of 60 responders reported feeling self-conscious when alone at Urban. Why is there a pressure to be with others at Urban and how does that play out in our community?

As teens begin their transition into adulthood, being alone can become uncomfortable because teens rely on socialization for self-discovery and forming their self-image. While lunch and break periods can serve as opportunities for socialization, some students grapple with balancing who they are and how they want to be perceived. 

“[Urban students are thinking], ‘Who are my friends? Where’s my friend group? Am I alone? Am I popular? Am I doing okay?’” said School Counselor Joey Mintz. “People are worried about both what is actually going on in their social world and how they’re perceived in their social world from the outside.”

Ella Marinchak ‘26 feels the pressure of being seen alone by others. “If I want to grab lunch alone … I’m overthinking and I feel like everyone is judging me,” she said. “I guess my inner thoughts are always like, ‘She’s so weird,’ or, ‘She’s got no friends,’ but in reality, I know people are way too concerned with themselves to notice.”

Talula Rogers ‘26 uses productivity to compensate for being seen alone. “[When alone] I would often try to avoid [judgment by] acting busy,” she said. [I would] always be pretending to be on my phone even if I was kind of just chilling or zoning out. [That way] people would be like, ‘Oh, she’s not alone. She’s being productive.’”

The misconception that being alone equates to loneliness and isolation can stem from unrealistic narratives around social success in media geared toward teens and youth. 

“I remember in ‘Mean Girls’ when Cady got canceled by the entire school, she had to sit by herself and eat lunch in the bathroom stall because no one liked her,” said Kyle Speta ‘26. “[Movies] always make [sitting alone] this big bad thing when it is actually not a big deal.” 

When popular media ties solitude to social downfall and isolation, high school students can internalize that idea, applying it to themselves and others. “On TV, labels are put on people who are alone, like they’re depressed. And I think sometimes that unconsciously gets into my head,” said Elizabeth McNeel ‘27.

The unrealistic standards around social success perpetuated by films can lead viewers to post on social media to seem like they are fulfilling those standards. This contributes to solidifying unrealistic expectations around adolescent social lives by creating a space full of constant comparison and competition. 

“[On social media], it’s just so available to see a biased view of somebody else’s life. But that is never the full reality,” said Mintz. “Everybody is suddenly a brand that they’re curating. So much of the minds of young people, through no fault of their own, is geared towards ‘How do other people see me?’ and ‘What image am I putting out there?’” 

When social media users share only the best sides of their social lives online, many will hold their everyday lives up to such standards, leading to insecurity around being alone and a hyper-focus on others’ perceptions.

“[With social media], we have these opposing extremes where there’s way more connection and visibility into each other’s lives, yet simultaneously, an extreme level of feelings of loneliness and alienation happening,” said Mintz.

Stigmas perpetuated by popular media can also misguide adolescents in their understanding of what aloneness truly means. 

“If there is a day during lunch where a student can’t get a hold of people for whatever reason and nobody wants to go walk up to Haight with them, it’s horrendous and mortifying and people think it means way more than it does,” said Mintz. “There are [concerns] of, ‘Am I wanted?’ or ‘Am I loved?’” 

However, in the same 2023 Urban Legend survey, over half of the responders who reported feeling self-conscious about being seen alone reported that those feelings have shifted over their time at Urban. 

“Even though I was worried about what other people would think, I was also worried about what I would think about myself if I was always alone,” said Ellis Monty ‘24. “But I’ve grown to know that the quality of your social life isn’t dependent on how much time you spend with people. If you’re walking with somebody 24/7, that doesn’t mean you have good friends, that just means that your friends are available.” 

Rogers said, “I’ve always had this idea that people have to know that you have friends. I’m kind of growing and leaning into the idea that your friends can be for yourself … not for other people [to see].”

Whether socializing at Urban evokes self-consciousness, indifference or excitement, the focus on peer perception is a part of the growing and self-discovery process during high school years. 

“Everybody’s kind of grappling for status or a sense of social capital or power. And so people hide how they really see [things] or they present in a way that’s not how they actually feel,” said Mintz. “I think the curse of teenage life is that it’s incredibly difficult for us all to just be honest and to acknowledge that we’re really all in the same mess together.”  

If socializing begins to grow tiresome, looking inward and focusing on other aspects of your life can be a useful strategy. 

McNeel said, “Everybody’s going through their own experiences and you can’t always be around for other people at all times … I think it’s helpful to just focus on pursuing your passions [since] that’s what’s gonna make you happy.”